Constantly changing, complex environments often require leaders to step into challenging conversations that are often crucial to sustain relationships, drive performance and ensure good organisational outcomes. In this article, two of Stephenson Mansell Group’s most accomplished executive coaches (Janet Horton and Joanne Lum) — both specialists in leadership behaviour-change — address why we label some conversations as “difficult”. They offer guidance on how to mentally and emotionally prepare for a challenging conversation to maximise its success.
When applied to a workplace conversation, the label ‘difficult” is highly personal. A conversation one person worries about will be a situation that holds no fear for someone else. No matter what situations earn your “difficult” label, if you enter that conversation with the assumption or mindset that it’s going to be hard, your body language and outward projection will tell that story before you start speaking.
So even the act of labelling a conversation as “difficult” in your mind is a signal that there is work to do to set yourself up for success.
The one indispensable question to ask before having a difficult conversation is: Why have I applied the label of “difficult” to this conversation?
Answering this question allows us to go beneath the surface of our instinctive reaction and understand what is driving it. The answer will give you valuable information and allow you to understand your trigger and unpack your reactions. That gives you the opportunity to enter the conversation with more self-awareness and provides the ability to manage your own emotional responses more effectively.
The answer to this question is often bound up with some kind of fear, anxiety or worry. These emotions can be triggered by issues like, discomfort with conflict, fear of rejection or being misunderstood, unease about dealing with strong emotions, and many others.
Notice the story
Whatever the base fear or anxiety, the next step is to notice the story that you are telling yourself to justify your emotional reaction.
- Are you anxious about conflict because you’ve had previous conversations like this that have not gone well?
- Are your feelings being triggered by emotional histories?
- Is it a limiting mindset?
No matter what the story is, take the time to examine it. While you do that – name the fear and acknowledge and honour the story.
“When we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending.”
Brene Brown, Dare to Lead
Objective analysis
Switching from feeling an emotion about a situation to thinking strategically and analytically can help you to be more objective about yourself and the situation.
List the current circumstances that are different from your fearful ‘story’. Think about your intentions, your agenda, consider your awareness of yourself and of others, and your relationship with the person with whom you will have this conversation.
Preparation
The goal during any significant conversation is to be present and responsive to what’s happening, and empathetic to the other person, which requires a level of emotional detachment. By preparing before the meeting, you can be clear and succinct with your messages.
1. Develop your opening statement
2. Develop a context statement for the meeting
3. Note how you will frame the subject matter succinctly and factually
4. Identify your objective for the conversation
5. Prepare to ask the other person for their input after you have framed the issue.
You may also need to prepare emotionally for the meeting. Note down:
1. How you want to feel going into the meeting
2. How you plan to get yourself into that emotional state
3. What might throw you off, or trigger you within the meeting
4. What to do if that happens
5. How you want to feel at the end of the meeting
Action
Now you are ready for action. Come to the meeting with a clean slate, without any assumptions about how the other person may react. You will have been clear about your intention, set the context and framed the issue clearly. You will have asked for input and been open and have listened to the response.
By the end of the meeting, ensure that there is a clearly communicated plan of action, with commitment to both sides. People sometimes feel so relieved that they have faced into the ‘difficult’ thing, that they forget to commit to the actions that will improve the future state.
Reflection
After the meeting you may well be feeling a sense of relief, and sometimes surprise that it went so well. A short period of reflection – considering what went well, what could be improved, and how you might do things differently next time – will help you affirm a more positive story in your head so that at some stage you may not even apply the ‘difficult’ label to this type of conversation at all!
Insights provided by Janet Horton and Joanne Lum, Executive Coaches at Stephenson Mansell Group. To read the full article, visit SMG.
If you are interested in learning more about Stephenson Mansell Group, or to discuss your organisation’s leadership development needs please contact Mehul Joshi, Head of Leadership Practice mjoshi@smgrp.com.au
Mehul is a highly sought-after C-level executive coach, leadership consultant, and high-performance team facilitator. As a prolific business writer, his articles and opinion pieces on leadership have been featured in esteemed publications such as The Sydney Morning Herald, Australian Financial Review, Company Director, and Yahoo Finance.
Renowned for his thought leadership, Mehul is recognised as an exceptional facilitator, coach, and trainer. He has successfully implemented programs for a diverse range of clients across the United States, Europe, Asia, and Australia. His clientele include prominent organisations such as ANZ Bank, JP Morgan, Telstra, and the Australian Olympic team.
